What's going on in my life

I miss writing this blog, but for various reasons, I've gotten away from it. I'd like to continue, even if no one out there even checks it anymore.

To start out, I figured I'd provide a "status update" of what's going on in my life these days:

I live in my own home, a condo which I love. I have a roommate, which is not a bad thing. I’m thankful for Bethany, and I believe that God provided her to me. I’m helping her out by giving her a room and bathroom of her own, and she’s helping me out—her rent matches almost exactly what Severn River Church was paying me.

My family brings me joy, although I wish that my father were in better health. I really wish that he were completely healed, but he isn’t languishing at death’s door. Like Job, he has never cursed God in all this physical trial. My nieces and nephews are a light in my sometimes dark moments, and I love spending time with them. My siblings are the pillars I lean on, and my parents are the love that formed me and still keeps me grounded in reality.

I work for the Y, and no, I’m not completely fulfilled. It’s a job, and I know how to do it well. I have good people I work with, most of whom are people of God. I’m thankful to the executives for the leadership program that I was selected for (an intensive 6 month leadership cohort for only 20 employees out of 1600). I’ve been using it to help me grow in my skills as a minister. I know that it’s making me confront issues that I need to confront in order to become the leader that God has called me to be. I hope to find a full-time ministry position, but times are hard, even in churches. For now, I’m thankful that God provided a way to pay my bills and keep my home. I have not “left” ministry, and I look forward to the chance to take on another church in need of outreach. I have great ideas stored up for the day that God opens the next door.

I don’t have a home church right now. In the past three years, I lost two home churches. One closed, and the other rejected me. At least that’s how it felt. I’m realizing lately how many people love me there, and how many of them never rejected me. It wasn’t fair that I left them with no explanation, but I didn’t really have a way to explain what happened. Without a church, my calendar is strangely empty; there are no social events, no parties with groups of friends that I do stuff with. There are no outreach events, especially ones that I am in responsible for, like I used to have. I lost a whole chunk of my life outside of work, and nothing has replaced it.

I’ve been depressed lately, but didn’t want to admit it out loud. I’ve just carried the secret deep inside of me, carefully guarding it, like I guard my tears late at night or in my car alone on the way to work every day. The funny thing is that I don’t think I’ve fooled anyone. My closest friends and family know without me admitting it or not. In fact, seeing their worry and hesitancy to talk about anything serious with me, adds another level of pain. I don’t want them to be worried, and I’d much rather they talk to me than about me. It’s like they are afraid of my anger or my pain, and while I know that they might not find it easy or pleasant to talk me for real, I need them to do that.

So, how do I feel about all this? Here's what I know: I am not what happens to me. I lead because of who I am, I make decisions based on who I am, not what has happened to me. I share these experiences with everyone who has led me to this place, with those who prayed me out, who followed me and hoped and believed in me. I also share those experiences with those who failed to believe in me, credited false motives to me, or believed the worst. I just don’t give them a voice anymore.

Before I was ever a pastor at Severn River Church, God loved me. In fact, He loved me before I was saved, filled with the Spirit, or called into ministry. He loved me regardless of my sermons, my years on the missionfield, my abilities, gifts, or personality. He loved me before I even knew Him, and He loves me still. He loves me today, when I struggle with where I am in life, compared to where I wish I was. He loves me whether I'm laughing or crying. He loves me, and nothing in my past, present, or future can separate me from His love or His purpose for my life.

That's what is happening with me lately; what's new with you?

Sin's Prison

Today I decided to spend my lunch break sitting on a picnic table on the playground where I work. I'm so blessed to have a spot like that where I can enjoy the weather while the warm temperatures last. At 1:30, I took my Coke Zero from the freezer where I keep on the point of icing over, grabbed some stuff I was working on, and headed out the door.

The sunshine was perfect, not too hot, nor too bright for me to read my papers. I was concentrating on my work when I heard a bee buzz past my ears. I cringed, and the bee flew past my shoulders into the soda can. At first I was aggravated--the soda can was practically full and now I couldn't drink it at all! I waited a moment to see if it would fly back out, but it didn't. I noticed that the bee was clearly circling inside the can, because I could hear a faint whistle of air movement magnified in the can, making an almost musical sound. I forgot my work and started to observe. The bee flew around and around the can. Occasionally the whistle noise would stop, and I figured the bee either grasped the pop-top on the inside of the can for a little rest, or maybe dropped from fatigue into the soda. I kept waiting for the bee to emerge.

Finally about 10 minutes later, I heard the whistle stop again, followed by a rush of wings past my face. I froze in place, sure that the bee would be angry. It flew around wildly, darting in and out of the picnic table legs, with the joy of someone finally freed from prison.

About one minute later, it dropped back on the soda can, and crawled back in.

I thought to myself, "You stupid bee. You just got out after all that work, and now look, you're right back in trouble." I thought of Paul's explanation of the sin nature in Romans 7, "If the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me, and gets the better of me every time."

All of my judgment against the bee, doing what was in his nature, faded in the light of my own weakness. Like Paul, I struggle against finding myself back in the same sinful situation I just struggled my way out of. Without Christ to set me free, I would circle the soda can until I died, just like the bee eventually did, drowned in the syrupy stickiness of his own foolishness.

A Day to Remember

This morning, as I sat in my office as the new Preschool Director at the Towson Y, I could hear the usual sounds of children arriving with their parents. Hats, jackets, lunches--everything gets dropped off while the parents give the teachers a few parting instructions and the kids find their friends.

This morning, I heard a little boy pause as he entered his room. His little round face turned up to his mom as he asked sweetly, "Will today be a day that I always remember?"

That's the beauty of life, and it doesn't change from childhood to maturity; we never know the moments that will change our life.

A Successful Outreach/Fundraiser

In all the hustle-bustle of the Christmas season, perhaps nowhere is as crowded and crazy as the local shopping mall. Parking spaces are at a premium, and the lines are long at cash registers as everyone tries to get their last few gifts bought.

Severn River Church participated in an outreach/fundraiser for the last two nights at Marley Station Mall in Glen Burnie, in which we wrapped gifts for harried shoppers--mostly men--for a small fee. It gave us a chance to raise some funds for some local missions projects that are coming up this year, as well as gave us some exposure to holiday shoppers who might just be searching for a church as well as the perfect gift!

We raised a little over $300 dollars in two nights, and certainly got exposure to dozens of shoppers who used our services. I was pleased with the results, mainly because of the support of the people who made it happen. I want to thank Lori Mullins, a friend who works at the mall and offered us this opportunity; I'm tremendously grateful to our faithful church members who took orders, wrapped gifts, and encouraged business in many ways: Drew and Jennifer Harrah, Ryan and Meghan Larson, Scott and Terri Poe, Scott Schuler, and Ben Rainey, Sr. I especially appreciate Pastor Ben and Corie who helped lead this activity, since my work schedule didn't allow me to be there the whole time.

The Angel Choir

I remarked to a friend this week that I find children singing to be the most beautiful sound in the world. I love how pure and innocent they sound; it's just delightful to see a child sing--especially one who is serious and passionate about his song.

It makes me think . . . if I were God summoning the angels to sing out the good news of Christ's birth, I'd make their voices sound like children. I'd fill the heavens with that sound so clear and uncontaminated.

I wonder what it actually sounded like.

Good News Gets Shared!

I have been offered a new job, starting in 2010, as the director of the Towson Y preschool. I appreciate those of you who were job references for me during my job hunt, and those of you specifically who have stood with me in prayer for a permanent career job.

I've been blessed for the past few months to work 20+ hours a week for a wonderful boss and crew of staff members at Therapy Solutions in Severna Park. It's been so great working there, that I am recommending the job to any of you who are looking or know someone looking. The job here is 2-8 pm Mon.-Thurs, and 12-6 pm on Fridays. It's a fairly easy receptionist job, with the rewards of seeing children all day as they come in for therapy. I've enjoyed the conversations with my fellow colleagues and the parents in the waiting room; this job has seemed more like a group of friends. If you (or someone you know) is interested, please give me a call or email me.

However, I'm excited to move on to a job that is suited to me personally and professionally. I'm being offered some good benefits, and I hope to be a benefit to the Y organization as a whole once I begin working there in January.

God and Television

On many television shows, a relationship or belief in God is a common theme. I've noticed it on medical shows as well as forensic dramas, as if a belief in God has to be in conflict with an understanding of science.

Tonight at 8 pm on Fox, the show Bones is airing a Christmas episode. I've seen a clip from the latter half (as the plot wraps up) that has a wonderful Christian message. I was very impressed to see such a clear presentation of the meaning of Christmas--Christ our Redeemer--being presented on a secular show.

If you get a chance to watch, you can support a rare Hollywood admission of the Gospel.