What I'm learning: First Class

Most of my friends are posting photos of their children on the first day of school this week, and cuteness overloads my entire social media feed, as I scroll through these bright smiles and overloaded backpacks. It’s a little less cute for the mature adult who decides to go back to school, but probably just as emotional and overwhelming. Maybe even more so.

Four months ago, I started my doctorate. It’s been a few years in the planning and process. But I just couldn’t seem to start. I had great reasons to postpone, too: I’d just started a new ministry, so adding classes would be overwhelming. We were having a pandemic, and adding classes would be stressful. A pile of good excuses was always available to masquerade as good reasons. But finally, in the early months of this year, through a set of unique circumstances, I fully recognized the truth. I was afraid.

When I faced those emotions, I dug in deeper and found the real fears. I was afraid it would be too hard, too much, too time-consuming, too expensive, and here’s the worst fear of all: “What if I put forth all that effort and nothing really changes?” I’ve faced the loss of jobs and opportunities solely because of my gender, and frankly, an extra degree won’t solve that injustice. Disrespect is never cured by a longer CV.

Once I realized that my “good reasons” to avoid it were truly fears in disguise, I also realized that God designed me for a purpose, regardless of what others think. As long as I’m avoiding “the next big step,” I cannot fulfill His full potential for my life and ministry. So I doubled down on my determination and sorted out my registration for classes beginning in May.

Now, at that point, all hell broke loose.

Literally, my ministry workload tripled overnight. My colleagues were forced to leave Spain suddenly and hand off their job responsibilities to me on very little notice. Sadly, that speed and seriousness, also meant that they weren’t able to hand things off well; everything was in a mess, which now required my time and effort to resolve, on top of my own job responsibilities and—oh yeah—an additional 20 hours a week in doctoral research and class assignments. For most of May and June, I was barely had five minutes a day when I wasn’t working on something: budget meetings, preparing Sunday ministry, writing sermons, reading piles of research on the couch when the workday ended. Even my meal times were spent sitting in front of a screen trying to catch up on financial reports or answer emails. I had no margin in my life at all. It was entirely unhealthy, and yet I couldn’t find a way out of it. For about six weeks, it was all I could do to keep my head above water, while I tried to save the rest of my team from drowning, too.

All of those fears about going back to school in my 40’s? Yeah, they were my daily reality. It WAS too much; I COULDN’T handle it, and I had NO IDEA what I’d been thinking when I’d signed up to do all this. Well, I hadn't known the bottom was going to drop out of the ministry where I worked; no one could’ve foreseen that. But even still, it seemed as though my fears were being fleshed out right in front of me, every single day. But two things happened that helped me:

I have a colleague who listened to me pour out a garbled and weepy explanation of all of it, and his immediate response was to pray for me. In his prayer, he said, “God, even though Ariel didn’t know all of this would coincide at the same time, You did. You knew this timing and this workload would occur together, and You have a plan. You believe she’s capable, and You have the resources she needs to make it through.” And just like that, the focus shifted from me feeling overwhelmed and desperate, to the God who had all the strength, all the answers, and all the rest I needed. I was reminded once again that HE was the One who called me in the first place. It was HIS design for me to be in these classes at the same time as I was learning oh-so-many practical lessons at the church office on the daily! My colleague’s prayer was a reminder of the Source of all it. It was never about me; my life and ministry are always about HIM, as I bring Him glory in my obedience. It didn’t matter how much I was working; How was HE working in all of this?

The second thing was another conversation with another friend (I had many friends encourage me and pray for me during this—I was never alone in the weight of all of it). She said, “Your health is more important than your classes. YOU are more important than your ministry.” Through her voice and another friend who also pushed me to make rest and sabbath a priority in spite of the crazy pace of ministry, I heard the wisdom of godly counsel. So I scheduled my vacation, and I started taking my day off out of the city, hiking or sightseeing while taking people with me who also needed rest and encouragement. I could feel the flames of burnout licking at my feet, ready to consume me completely, so I took my friend’s warning seriously and made the sabbath a priority. It took a little longer, but I managed to eventually get time for exercise back in the routine again.

My first class was actually an “Intro to Grad School” type of class. The assignments were learning to use the library online, getting used to the web portal where we post our assignments, watching webinars on research techniques, scholarly writing, and more. The learning curve was steep, after 20 years out of the classroom, but the class was perfectly designed to bridge those gaps for those of us who barely had computers the last time we were in university. I was frustrated sometimes, trying to figure it all out—especially that APA formatting for all my papers!—but it started to click somewhere in there, and it gave me the necessary foundation for my following classes. I bought the right books, invested in the right software, formatted a hard drive to back up everything, and buckled down to being a student again.

If you asked me what I learned in my first class… it wouldn’t be the APA formatting or the web portal. It would be the confidence that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it even as He leads me up and out of the mess that surrounds me. He’ll give me the strength and wisdom I still need, and He’ll keep on making the paths straight before me, because they’re HIS paths. They lead me straight to Him and His plan for me. I write this even now to encourage those who are intimidated by God’s direction to go back to school, or maybe to take any big step in ministry, or simply to trust God to take care of the huge things that are way too hard for us—He’s faithful to complete His plan for my life and yours.