Weekend in Luxembourg
I don’t know how I can possibly describe the difference in my life that three days in Luxembourg accomplished this weekend. I’ve decided that I will focus on different aspects of our Western Europe Missionary Retreat during the next few days.
I feel incredibly privileged to have such caring prayer warriors behind me, and I know that over the past few weeks, you have truly upheld me before the Lord. Because I know your concerns for me, I would like to keep you informed about how I am doing emotionally.
When I first felt like I was depressed, I contacted Caring Connection, which oversees our missionary health (both physically and emotionally) in Springfield. During a long phone conversation with a counselor there, she agreed that I was in a true depression. She assured me that it is not only normal for first term missionaries, but that it was actually overdue! Anyone would “crack” under the strain of isolation/loneliness/culture shock that I had been fighting for months, so it was bound to wear me out. She suggested some practical steps to take in resolving it, including exercise and a healthy diet, and assured me that I would snap back in time.
To that end, I did join a gym (and I actually go!) and I’ve been eating very healthy. However, that didn’t fix the problem, although obviously it does me good. I hesitated telling my Area Director (my immediate boss) about the depression because I was afraid of his reaction, I guess. I felt like part of the burden lifted when I admitted my struggle to you on this blog, but I wasn’t sure that he would be as encouraging as you all have been. However, I knew that this weekend I would be seeing him face to face, and it was time to be open with him about everything.
Before I even had a chance to talk to him, a fellow missionary did a devotion on Romans chapter 8 for our group. He talked about being “more than conquerors” and “nothing separating us from God’s love,” as well as “no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus” and “all things working together for good.” But then, he said that with all of those powerful truths, there were still times in ministry where we find ourselves asking the Big Why? “Why, God, have you brought me to this place where I am conquering nothing, where nothing seems to be working for good, where I feel condemned no matter what I do, where I feel separated from Your blessing or Your presence? Why am I struggling if I am doing Your will?” He finished by asking if anyone felt that they were in that spot, and I raised my hand. I was the only one, so I felt kind of foolish and very exposed when he asked me to come forward. But about twenty women surrounded me and prayed for me, as well as the rest of the group in their seats and I felt a lot more of the burden lift. Afterward, in the room I was sharing with a few other single girls, we talked late into the night. They really encouraged me, and I thank the Lord for putting us together in the same room.
I had a lunch meeting with Gerald and his wife Madeleine, my area director and his wife. I told them about the depression, the isolation, etc. and they had some practical suggestions, as well. They gave me an open invitation to visit them in Belgium if I needed just to get away, and we agreed that within the next few weeks, I will get some blood work done, as well as any other medical tests that could reveal physiological factors for depression. Since I don’t have a family history of depression or a natural susceptibility, it is entirely likely that there could be unseen physical factors. He said that the number one stress for missionaries in France is the isolation (even among the couples). I found that oddly relieving. He said that due to the French cultural trait of extreme privacy/reserve, even the French pastors and their wives don’t have friends. We decided that while I will certainly make some type of change in ministry assignment in the future, we won’t make that decision until after the New Year. ( I think we can all agree that making big decisions under emotional strain is not a good idea!) For now, they are behind me in prayer, as well as the hundreds of contacts they have that regularly pray for the needs of Western Europe.
During the remainder of the weekend, I was continually touched by the other missionaries who found moments to talk to me about their own experiences with isolation and depression. Apparently it is quite common under the circumstances we live with. But the overwhelming message was always, “God is faithful, and this, too, shall pass!”
Thank you for your continued prayer for me, surtout (especially) those of you who have sent cards to encourage me in the past few weeks.
I feel incredibly privileged to have such caring prayer warriors behind me, and I know that over the past few weeks, you have truly upheld me before the Lord. Because I know your concerns for me, I would like to keep you informed about how I am doing emotionally.
When I first felt like I was depressed, I contacted Caring Connection, which oversees our missionary health (both physically and emotionally) in Springfield. During a long phone conversation with a counselor there, she agreed that I was in a true depression. She assured me that it is not only normal for first term missionaries, but that it was actually overdue! Anyone would “crack” under the strain of isolation/loneliness/culture shock that I had been fighting for months, so it was bound to wear me out. She suggested some practical steps to take in resolving it, including exercise and a healthy diet, and assured me that I would snap back in time.
To that end, I did join a gym (and I actually go!) and I’ve been eating very healthy. However, that didn’t fix the problem, although obviously it does me good. I hesitated telling my Area Director (my immediate boss) about the depression because I was afraid of his reaction, I guess. I felt like part of the burden lifted when I admitted my struggle to you on this blog, but I wasn’t sure that he would be as encouraging as you all have been. However, I knew that this weekend I would be seeing him face to face, and it was time to be open with him about everything.
Before I even had a chance to talk to him, a fellow missionary did a devotion on Romans chapter 8 for our group. He talked about being “more than conquerors” and “nothing separating us from God’s love,” as well as “no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus” and “all things working together for good.” But then, he said that with all of those powerful truths, there were still times in ministry where we find ourselves asking the Big Why? “Why, God, have you brought me to this place where I am conquering nothing, where nothing seems to be working for good, where I feel condemned no matter what I do, where I feel separated from Your blessing or Your presence? Why am I struggling if I am doing Your will?” He finished by asking if anyone felt that they were in that spot, and I raised my hand. I was the only one, so I felt kind of foolish and very exposed when he asked me to come forward. But about twenty women surrounded me and prayed for me, as well as the rest of the group in their seats and I felt a lot more of the burden lift. Afterward, in the room I was sharing with a few other single girls, we talked late into the night. They really encouraged me, and I thank the Lord for putting us together in the same room.
I had a lunch meeting with Gerald and his wife Madeleine, my area director and his wife. I told them about the depression, the isolation, etc. and they had some practical suggestions, as well. They gave me an open invitation to visit them in Belgium if I needed just to get away, and we agreed that within the next few weeks, I will get some blood work done, as well as any other medical tests that could reveal physiological factors for depression. Since I don’t have a family history of depression or a natural susceptibility, it is entirely likely that there could be unseen physical factors. He said that the number one stress for missionaries in France is the isolation (even among the couples). I found that oddly relieving. He said that due to the French cultural trait of extreme privacy/reserve, even the French pastors and their wives don’t have friends. We decided that while I will certainly make some type of change in ministry assignment in the future, we won’t make that decision until after the New Year. ( I think we can all agree that making big decisions under emotional strain is not a good idea!) For now, they are behind me in prayer, as well as the hundreds of contacts they have that regularly pray for the needs of Western Europe.
During the remainder of the weekend, I was continually touched by the other missionaries who found moments to talk to me about their own experiences with isolation and depression. Apparently it is quite common under the circumstances we live with. But the overwhelming message was always, “God is faithful, and this, too, shall pass!”
Thank you for your continued prayer for me, surtout (especially) those of you who have sent cards to encourage me in the past few weeks.